Thoughts at 23

A friend of mine was so kind and brought me to Disneyland for my 23rd birthday! It was so much fun. I had a great time on Radiator Springs, and bought a tiara. LOL.

After that, we went to JoAnn’s. She’s really good at sewing and I’ve always been interested, so she was gracious enough to teach me how to sew a skirt! It gave me an even greater appreciation for cosplayers, now that I’ve suffered firsthand through the difficulties of sewing—and that’s for an easy project!

That being said, I’d really like to try making a Three Houses uniform, starting with the easiest piece and slowly working up my way to the hardest. I think it could be a great challenge and learning experience. Sewing adventures might make for a fun or informational blog series, too.

 

Time Capsule Questions

 

What are your top 3 goals for the upcoming year?

  1. I want to get better at maintaining my friendships and putting in effort to connect with people on a deeper level.

  2. I want to finish Zodiac Axis. I want it done. I want it over with so bad lOL—

  3. I want to table at a large-scale convention like CRX, Fanime, or AX. Just once.

 

What’s the biggest thing you’re learning about right now?

Projection.

Starting in around college, I began to develop intense social anxiety. I’d feel panicked, dizzy, and short of breath in a conversation with someone I didn’t know. Being around large groups of people was more or less okay; the problem came when I was expected to start a conversation or keep it running. I h a t e small talk more than anything, because it’s really hard for me to read people. Are they happy? Are they secretly annoyed? Am I talking too much about myself? Should I have laughed there, or just nodded? It stemmed from a life of having people smile and praise me to my face in high school and college (making me think I was well-liked), only to find them talking smack behind my back.

That has carried over to some pretty damaging habits in my work—I’d constantly feel exhausted from commissions, because I project onto the client. A week has passed and I haven’t updated! They must be upset that I’m taking so long. Or; they only used one exclamation mark instead of five! Are they secretly not happy with this update?!

The biggest thing I’m trying to learn is how to not project my own insecurities onto people. I have to trust that people will have the guts—and the goodwill—to communicate with me. And if they don’t, if they can only quietly stew in their resentment, then that’s not my problem. I have to live with that.

 

If I had all the money in the world and no limitations, what would I be doing right now with my life?

Exactly what I’m doing right now. And the fact that I can say that is such an overwhelming privilege and responsibility.

The fact that my grandparents started from the ground-up as Chinese immigrants from rural towns and villages—my grandfather shining shoes in a bar at the San Francisco Tenderloin as a child—and worked so hard so that their children and grandchildren could prosper and thrive is incredible.

The fact that my parents supporting my dream as an artist and a game developer, paying for my living expenses and letting me live in their house, is just unheard of.

The fact that I have been surrounded by an amazing, compassionate church (Hug Church represent!) and nurtured by godly men and women is such a gift.

I have been blessed beyond imagination, and because of that, I can develop my skills and hone my crafts without worrying about being homeless. Maybe down the future, I won’t be able to do so and I’ll have to abandon my dream. But for now, I will relish this opportunity and see it for what it is: a precious gift that I didn’t deserve.

 

Song for this year

IU has a song literally titled “23,” about how when you’re a young adult, you feel the indecisiveness and conflict between wanting to grow up versus wanting to stay a kid.

Now that I’m actually 23, I find the accuracy of her lyrics striking 😂